» Monday, 18 February A.D. 2008

linkage

Boy, there are some times I miss watching TV.

Stuff White People Like. Like assists:

White people love to pass, it's no secret.

In basketball, it's kind of a must so that white guys can carve out a niche and guarantee acceptance on a team. Trying to be a white guy who dunks and stuff is like trying to be a white rapper - yeah, there are a few, but you have to work twice as hard for half the results.

Or gifted children:

But wait, aren't there white people who aren't doctors or lawyers, or even all that smart?

Well, here is another one of those awesome white person win-win situations.

Because if a white kid gets crappy grades and can't seem to ever do anything right in school, they are still gifted! How you ask? They are just TOO smart for school. They are too creative, too advanced to care about the trivial minutiae of the day to day operations of school...

This is important if you ever find yourself needing to gain white person acceptance. If you see their kid playing peacefully, you say “oh, he/she seems very focused, are they in a gifted program?” at which point the parent will say “yes.” Or if the kid is lighting a dog on fire while screaming at their mother, you say “my he/she is a creative one. Is he/she gifted?” To which the parent will reply “oh, yes, he's too creative and smart for school. We just don't know what to do.” Either situation will put a white person in a better mood and make them like you more.

Or not having a TV:

The number one reason why white people like not having a TV is so that they can tell you that they don't have a TV.

On those lonely nights when white people wish they could be watching American Idol, Lost, or Grey;s Anatomy, they comfort themselves by thinking of how when people talk about the show tomorrow they can say “I didn't see it, I don't have a TV. That stuff rots your brain.”

It is effective in making other white people feel bad, and making themselves feel good about their life and life choices.

Note that I said not watching TV earlier, so I am totally exempt from any potential irony...

posted by Nate @ 9:06PM